Well, it actually turned out to be a beautiful day today. The snowstorm of last night ended early this morning. The sun came out for a bit and the day slowly brightened and cleared until about noon when it began to haze over and whiten with moisture in the air. Later, clouds formed and we were back into a cold and cloudy winter day. Still, it was warmer than it could have been, considering how much snow we had fall on us.
The morning passed by quickly and quietly. It was about 1:00 pm when anyone went outside to begin the trouble of moving away the snow that had piled up in great heaps. A foot of snow meant that there were drifts up to three or four feet high where the wind had piled snow drifts. There was an overhanging dune of snow that stuck out four feet past the edge of the roof over the back door. Had anyone slammed the door, that drift would have collapsed with a disasterous effect from the height of about twenty feet to the roof at that point. As it was, the pile of snow fell over the edge of the roof with enough force to shake the house.
The winter wonderland was a playground for everyone who likes winter. There were tracks in the snow where skiers and skidoos had broken their trails. Winter hikers had their own trails to follow through parks and green areas where nature could be found instead of the city slums. It was almost laughable to see the heaps of snow all along the roadways and high piles of it bordering driveways. No doubt there were a few heart attacks from the labour of shovelling snow out of the way. The spaces in parking lots were bordered by piles of snow heaped ten to twenty feet high by snowplows and Michigan loaders.
My eyes feasted upon the sights of the deep snow and the results of the city digging itself out from under such a heavy snow fall. I thought of more than a few very beautiful settings that could be artistically arranged or rendered in various media. My mind played with what I could do with the inspiration of the wonderfully white winter.
Altogether, I was in good spirits and laughing at a few things that were funny. It was good to get out in the refreshing cold and clean white snow. I felt inspired to do a lot of artistic projects. And yet, in the back of my mind there was that gloom of knowing so little would come of such great mental exercises.
It was the depressing part of being so inspired and alive with the flows of creative concepts. That knowing that I would not get around to even starting to create something new while I was busy with what I already had going. My energy and time were so precious now, knowing that I have to work away so efficiently at planning each stage of my movements through the house, of doing what I could while still in the upright position before I had to lay down again.
I am depressed because I am in a race for life. I know that my time is short, and that my efforts are so limited. My body is failing and it is dragging me down with it. How can I do any better than what I am already doing is something that plagues me, depresses me because of my frailty and frugal efforts at everything. I did have so much going for me before I became sick with disease.
Sick with disease is not the right way to describe what I went through. I had raging pain that kept me on a futon couch for four years. I forced myself to get up for appointments and crawled up and down the set of stairs connecting the second floor room with the porch of the building and another set of stairs to get to street level. I was terrified of falling down the stairs to break bones or more in a way of disabling myself more than I already was. My weight dropped down to 98 lbs for almost ten years despite how much or what I ate.
The preceding was written about eight years after I first became sick with the disease I presently suffer from. Anklyosis Spondalitis is when the blood stops delivering calcium to the bones and starts fighting an inflammation spread along the spine. I have a layer of calcium coating my spine about half an inch thick that welds the spine into a solid mass. The result is that the bones darken and turn black as they rot to disintegrate and break. Feeling sick is worse than the worst flu I have ever suffered. The pain from compression of the spinal nerve trunk makes the body flutter in the wind beyond comprehension.
I yelled at my doctor that I hurt so forcefully and loud that he jumped a foot off the floor. Then he had me taken immediately to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. The resident chief psychiatrist talked to me for half an hour before he sent me to the Rothbart Pain Clinic. Later, I saw some nice people at the clinic who gave me something. They kept asking if I still hurt. Several hours later I finally said I didn’t hurt. Finally my pain was deadened to levels I could really withstand.
The list of prescriptions kept expanding until a few years later I had fifteen prescriptions to handle my pain and disease. One prescription is injected once every six months to help my bones grow again. I am supposedly growing, but it sure ain’t any younger. They say time is linear and it sure doesn’t curl back on itself, usually. Who knows what time does when it is so dark everywhere. I know how dark it can get so believe that anything can happen in the dark.
The preceding was written about ten years ago, except the last part that I wrote before this part. It is all in leading up the garden path until I have to ask about where the path is taking us. Don’t answer that.